Chasing adrenaline

My unspoken reality of maternity leave

Special note: Greg’s friends (and Berkeley Haas professors) Lucas Miller and Dr. Sahar Yousef are holding a lecture on The Science of Focus in the Age of Distraction for Personal Math subscribers on March 13. RSVP for free here.

This week or next week, I’m having a baby, and I’m taking 16 weeks of maternity leave.

When I tell people this, I usually get one of two reactions.

1. “Wow, 16 weeks – that’s amazing. Back in my day I was lucky to get four weeks off.”

2. “Once you have the baby, you won’t even think about work. Your child becomes the most important thing.”

I know they’re trying to be helpful. But right now, neither validates how I’m actually feeling.

I don’t feel lucky to be getting 16 weeks off – I think it’s very reasonable. But I also don’t feel excited to step away from work. I feel nervous.

And while I’ve read a lot of stuff about parenting in the last 9 months, I haven’t seen a lot of people acknowledge the complicated feelings that come with this break.

So here’s what I’m feeling. I hope it resonates.

– Taylor

Moments of adrenaline

In the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about “moments of adrenaline.”

For me, these are high stakes moments that evoke a specific set of feelings:

• Before – I feel a mix of anticipation and nerves – my stomach is churning and I’m jittery

• During – I’m calm and in the moment; everything else is blocked out

• After – I’m exhausted (physically and mentally); I’m also energized – I usually want to rehash or debrief right after

Upon reflection, I’ve loved and craved “moments of adrenaline” for as long as I can remember.

When I was young, I got them through sports.

I played three sports competitively all through high school, and club sports in college. I loved (and performed well) in the highest-stakes games – playoffs, rivalry games. In hindsight, I loved the pressure of those environments, and the feeling that came with living up to that pressure.

Through sports, I got these moments of adrenaline often – once or twice a week.

But as I got older, moments of adrenaline were less frequent, especially in my personal life. I can think of a few in the last 10 years – my wedding or signing the lease on my first NYC apartment. In fact, I was exhibiting this specific cocktail of anticipation and nerves so much right before walking down the aisle that my dad said to me “just pretend you’re about to go out for a playoff basketball game.”

But mostly, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten my “moments of adrenaline” through work.

I remember the first “moment of adrenaline” I experienced at Section. It was in January 2020, and I had just watched a new draft of our first course video lesson. I was nervous to see it because our course launched in 3 weeks, and 310 people had spent $500 to join. And after it ended, I felt this mix of elation, accomplishment, and anticipation – I remember calling our then Head of Product while walking down Crosby Street saying “I think this is really good, we’re on to something.”

I felt this way a few times in the years since:

• Our first livestream class at Section, which we ran remotely with no prep the second day of lockdown

• Greg’s first class at Section where he taught a framework I’d created

• The first time I taught my own class at Section

• Before board meetings and fundraise pitches

In all these instances, I felt that same mix of anticipation and nerves I’d had before basketball games, and the same exhaustion and elation that came after.

But in the last three months, I’ve experienced more “moments of adrenaline” at Section than in the previous three years.

We’re releasing more new products, on a bigger scale, to higher stakes clients than ever before. I’m averaging almost one “moment of adrenaline” per month right now, and I love it.

From adrenaline to … something else

Going on maternity leave, I know I’ll be stepping away from these moments of adrenaline. And a large part of me feels FOMO about that.

I’ve spent the last five and half years building Section, and now (after some tough years of drudgery) these moments of adrenaline are accelerating. I’m going to miss them.

And while I’m excited to have a baby (and a break!), most people don’t describe parenting as “adrenaline-filled.” I think it will be joyful, but it will also be monotonous … so much of everyday life is.

So leaving work, even for 16 weeks, is scary. It’s a change to my routine, but also to my identity, and what fuels me.

My (non) advice

I don’t have advice this week (maybe you have some for me!).

But here’s my honest reality

• I’m bummed to miss some upcoming moments of adrenaline – that are the payoff of a lot of my previous hard work

• I’m excited for my team, who will get to experience these moments (likely more intimately than they would have if I was around)

• I’m excited to try a new stage of life where moments of adrenaline might be less frequent or different – both while on maternity leave and when I come back after

If you’re a parent who’s done this before, I’d love to hear your thoughts (as long as they’re not, “You won’t even THINK about work!” – I’ve heard that one!).

I’ll be gone for four months, and I’ll see you when I get back – in the meantime, you’ll hear from Greg.

Have a great 16 weeks,

Taylor

P.S. Lucas Miller and Dr. Sahar Yousef, neuroscientists / professors at UC Berkeley and Greg’s friends, will be holding a lecture on The Science of Focus in the Age of Distraction for Personal Math subscribers on March 13.At Berkeley Haas, Sahar and Lucas run the Becoming Superhuman Lab and teach one of the most popular MBA classes on the science of productivity and performance. They regularly get hired by companies like Google, NVIDIA, JP Morgan, etc. to do this lecture and as our audience, you can join for free. RSVP here.