How to deal with your boss’ selective memory
Two sentences: “As a reminder, we decided to do X because of Y and Z. Has something changed in your thinking?”
👋 Hi, it’s Greg and Taylor. Welcome to our newsletter on everything you wish your CEO told you about how to get ahead.
Sometimes at 7 PM on Sunday evening, I get a Slack from Greg that says something like, “Why aren’t we doing [project that we already discussed and vetoed together]???”
My first reaction is always annoyance. I think – why doesn’t he remember this decision, and if he does, why doesn’t he trust we made the right one? I want to Slack back something defensive – “dude, we talked about this and you said you didn’t want to do it.”
We all experience moments like this with our boss, where they question or seem to have forgotten a decision you already made. And it happens more and more when your boss is c-level, because they’re strapped for time and constantly getting feedback from many different directions (board members, advisors, and other CEOs they interact with).
It’s incredibly frustrating – but as you move up, it will happen more, so you want to deal with it in a way that reflects well on you (and makes you indispensable to your boss).
Here’s my guide to responding well (without losing your mind).
– Taylor
What you think is happening
When your boss doesn’t remember a decision you just made together, you probably think one of a few things is happening.
They’re not really listening when you have important conversations with them.
They don’t trust you and the decision you made, so they’re raising it again to force a different decision or make you second-guess it.
They don’t get how much work is required to put a project in motion – or, if they’re saying, “why are we doing [major initiative]??”, they don’t know how much work you’ve already put in.
What’s actually happening
It’s usually one of three things.
They just don’t remember. But it’s not because they don’t trust you. It’s because they’re having different conversations at different levels throughout the day, and the decision isn’t top of mind for them. In fact, them not remembering can be a sign that they do trust you – because they haven’t felt the need to micromanage your progress.
Something has changed. They’ve seen new data, or have received new input (a board conversation, a change to the budget, etc.). Your boss is party to information that you’re not party to, and they’re taking that into account when they question you.
They’re rethinking the decision. They agreed to it (or felt talked into it), but it’s not sitting well with them. They know it’ll be best for both of you to rethink it now, before you can’t turn back.
How to react when your boss has selective memory
First things first: Don’t get defensive. It’s really hard, but it doesn’t get you what you want – which is clarity and alignment with your boss. In our careers, we have never looked back on a snappy reaction or a prickly email and thought, “I’m glad I did that.”
Don’t fire off a response that says:
“We talked about this already”
“It was your idea”
“Do you not remember our conversation?”
Instead, assume the best intentions (even if you’re still seething that your boss is a forgetful moron). Respond as if they really do need a reminder, and be open to the idea that you do need to rethink the decision.
The template of how to respond
What to say
“As a reminder, we decided to do X because of Y and Z. Has something changed in your thinking, or now that you’ve slept on it, is your gut telling you it’s not a good call?”
Why it works
The first sentence reminds them that you did discuss the decision, and reminds them of the rationale that led to it.
The second sentence asks (in good faith!) if something has changed or if the decision isn’t sitting well with them, and gives them an out to share.
This phrasing holds them accountable, but also doesn’t embarrass them or come across as defensive, and assumes good intentions in your boss.
One example:
Your boss: Why aren’t we doing more marketing events?? Need to get some more on the schedule ASAP
You: As a reminder, we decided to keep our event schedule to 3/month to keep NPS high (because of team bandwidth) and to make sure each event is well-attended. We see the same monthly attendance from 3 events that we do with 4 or 5 – about 6,000 per month – but adding more events correlates with NPS declining. Has something changed in your thinking since we last spoke?
Another example:
Your boss: We should be using Beehiiv instead of Iterable – a friend told me it’s better. Can we schedule a demo this week?
You: As a reminder, we took a look at Beehiiv’s capabilities and found that their reporting and segmentation is less sophisticated than Iterable. It would take at least 1 month of engineering time to switch systems and we didn’t think it was worth it, though we said we’d do a review of new email platforms in the new year. Did something the friend said change your mind on that?
Our advice
It’s natural to be frustrated and defensive – but don’t.
As bosses, we’ve experienced both sides. When someone’s defensive, we tend to want to question them more – or lay down the law and say, “I’m your boss, I’m allowed to ask you this.”
When someone is receptive to this kind of question, it builds our trust with them. It tells us that we can question a decision that’s already been made, ask for more context, or simply admit we don’t remember, and they won’t take it personally. These are the relationships we want to have with our teams (and we’re way more likely to apologize for forgetting, too).
When you get messages like this from your boss, learn to identify the trigger words that signal “don’t respond right away.” These could be things like “why aren’t we doing …” or “I think we should…” or the dreaded “???.” When you see those words, take a beat, and use this playbook.
We should note: the above response works for 90% of bosses – but of course, there are bad bosses out there too. Those are the ones who never listen to what you’re saying or want to push bad decisions back onto you.
If this is happening over and over again, then look for a new job. But don’t expect your job to be totally free of this. No job ever is, especially as you climb the ranks. It’s a signal that you’re working with bosses at higher levels of the org – which is a good thing.
To the next 10 years,
Greg & Taylor